Autumn in London

It's Autumn again. My favourite season.
The days begin with glorious blue skies and sunshine streaming through my bedroom window. I wake up feeling instantly happy and inspired. Possibly because there is a man in my bed to my left who I feel happy with. We spend the morning in each other's company, enveloped in a dewy satisfied glow, until he has to leave to go to an exhibition, or meet a friend for brunch.
I pour myself a cup of Earl Grey and read a magazine before pulling on black jeans, grey converse, and dashing out to meet a friend for Bloody Marys and Eggs Benedict.
We gossip in a little cafe in Hampstead while the rain has started to fall heavily against the window we're sat next to.
I am always amazed at how different London looks in the rain. Melancholy and miserable. It makes me want to curl up in bed, listening to the sound of it falling, no matter how awake I am. But today I don't mind.
We gossip about the men in our lives and the ways in which they annoy us. We can't decide whether taking too long to respond to a text takes first place over not talking about how you feel...The latter is probably more important, and it makes me wonder how long you can date someone before you feel like you need more from them.
In the beginning, it's exciting to receive a text message out of the blue, or to see them one evening a week, but as time goes on, you find yourself getting more than just a text once in a while. Seeing them a few times a week becomes the norm, as does hanging out with their friends and meeting their family. You begin to predict their behaviour, and when things don't add up to your predictions, you begin to worry.
I have always been a true worrier. Pessimistic at heart, and constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Perhaps it's because I have been so let down in the past, but then again, the memories of good moments always become quickly overshadowed by anything questionable.
A friend of mine once told me that all emotions are good. It's what makes us feel alive. Even in the midst of a breakdown....Feel your emotions. They're raw and real and maybe it's what'll make you better understand them.
After all, whatever will be will be. Until then, be happy. Live in the moment, and don't wait for it to fall apart.

Happy Birthday to Me

A few weeks ago it was my birthday. I turned something on either side of my mid twenties, and decided that I wanted to have a big celebration, and so it was all planned.
An early dinner with good friends who lived out of London, drinks at mine for 20+ guests before jumping into cabs that would take us to a nightclub where we could shake our tail feathers for the rest of the night.

Arriving at the restaurant at 6.30pm, I felt somewhat overdressed in my cleavage exposed, fitted red dress and a face full of 'evening' make up. A few glasses of wine later, I had opened my first (and best) presents of the night, and as we left the restaurant and headed back to mine, I was pleasantly tipsy.

At my flat, guests started steadily arriving, and while trying to be 'the hostess with the mostess' I was finding it hard to relax. I was trying to divide my time between everyone, and therefore felt as though I hadn't spent much time with anyone.
As the clock struck 11pm, the first taxi arrived, and as I bundled groups of people out, I realised that the friends I'd had dinner with had opted to take the long journey back to Oxford despite my protests. At least our mutual good looking friend, A, was staying...

Arriving at the club, I remember feeling really happy and as the barman handed me a free shot, the night began to get pretty hazy.
I got talking to a cute guy (although the conversation is pretty patchy in my mind, it started off well), and when we established that he worked in finance, I asked him whether he thought it was boring (fun fact: I happen to think that working in finance is incredibly boring). When he told me he found it interesting, I decided it was time to leave, and was intent on finding A. Mr Finance told me he'd be there waiting for me, but I knew I wouldn't go back. As I turned around, my friends were nowhere to be seen, and so I wobbled towards the dance floor to find them.

After two drunken circles around the club, my efforts were in vain, and as I stumbled into the toilets, luckily my friend came out of the cubicle. I asked her where A was. She said that she thought he'd been getting on rather famously with her friend, and I decided to find them and see for myself.
They didn't look too close to me, so I decided to step in (it was my birthday after all). Within the next half an hour, my two friends left, and I decided I'd had enough, and wanted to go home.

The intention was never really for anything to happen with A, but back at home, one thing led to another...twice. In the morning, we got up and went to go get some coffee in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. Over a strong cappuccino, we decided that nothing more would happen, and it got me thinking... A was very handsome, very smart, had a great job and would no doubt make a very good boyfriend (in the bedroom department at least), but he lacked in charisma, wasn't charming and wasn't funny.

I realised then, that actually none of it matters.... All I really want is for a guy to make me laugh, and if he looks like Johnny Depp...Well then that's a bonus.